Cruel To Be So Young

I know it's been forever, but here I am blogging once more. I just felt the urge, probably because I feel things caving in a bit around me, and when that happens, I write. College is coming up. Impending doom, it feels like. It's only community college, but the cost is probably going to leave some debt. I got a 29 on my ACT the first time. Tried to take it again, with some studying, to aim for something in the 30's, but my score just dropped a couple points. Probably just stressed myself out too much, honestly. Should be starting to train for my job at the Bridgeton pool concession stand. Need the money. Should save the money. I actually need to call the manager up there right now, to set up my schedule, but a weird social apprehension is coming over me, so I just sit here. I am an 18 year old, job-less, car-less, license-less, scared boy. I put on a good front, but this is what's going on inside me. I really need to gain some independence. Having my license would probably help, but I'm terrified. I will wreck, and I know it, and odds are, someone I care about will be in the car with me. So we'll be hurt, my mom and I will be without a car. I wonder how long my dad's will keep running sometimes. If it quits, he's back to walking and riding public transportation. Not good at all for his frail feet, and body in general. He's been getting repeatedly cancelled at work, and I feel like his job is less than secure. He's lonely and for the most part without friends. I constantly feel the pressure to go over there, but it's an hour away and a good distance from my friends. I'm torn. These days, I never want down time, and I think as I write this, I'm realizing why. When I stop and think about all that goes wrong and has the potential to go wrong, I scare myself to death. I just feel like I'm constantly on the defensive. And all that defense amounts to is hiding, whether it be in sleep, out with friends, whatever. It's all about constant distraction for me right now. All I can do is delay the inevitable. I am just self-pitying. And now I post this and expect pity from all of you. Stupid. But I guess I need it. Weird. This is a stupid post.

Christopher Michael Tucker